Reading.

I've been plowing through the Bible in my free time. I am almost to Deuteronomy in the OT and have read John, Hebrews, and Romans in the NT. This is what I am learning:

God so loves us. Man...it's pretty incredible.
God cares about the minute details of our lives.
God puts up with a lot of crap. And still loves, accepts, and walks with us. Crazy.

-Jess.

Letters...

Choices

Choices come down to what motivates us. Laying out the pros and cons. A list of why I would choose to make a more positive decision. My hope is that I can establish enough reasons to surmount some erroneous thinking. I have found myself needing to making this list for some time now. Not to mention that it really doubles as things that I am grateful for.

Reasons:

I am so loved by God, even if I don't feel it right now.
God accepts me and wants the best for me.
God is with me. Always.
My hope is in God.
God has brought me so far.
I have some incredible friends who believe in me.
I have a few friends who love me enough to walk this journey with me.
I am a role model in many different arenas.
I am here to serve others and to do that to the best of my ability.
I have professors who have believed in me and have reflected God's light.
I have an incredible little nephew who I love so much.

-JB

All I Can Say

I love the David Crowder Band, and they are one of my favorite bands. I stumbled on this awesome song that they did on their first album.

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give
And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:
And this is all that I can say right now, I know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], I know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.

Bridge:
I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

And this is all that I can say right now, oh I know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
This is all that I can say right now [right now], I know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.
And this is all that I can say right now, oh I know it's not much.
But this is all that I can give, yeah that's my everything.

Jess

Psalm 42

So, I've sucked at posting this month. Oy, life has been crazytown.

I was encouraged to read Psalm 42 continually and on a regular basis a few weeks back. This is my Psalm. My youth pastor encouraged me in high school to choose a Psalm to call my own. I love this Psalm. I like the Book of Psalms to begin with, but especially #42.

Psalm 42 (The Message):

A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek;
I want to drink God,
deep draughts of God.
I'm thirsty for God-alive.
I wonder, "Will I ever make it—
arrive and drink in God's presence?"
I'm on a diet of tears—
tears for breakfast, tears for supper.
All day long
people knock at my door,
Pestering,
"Where is this God of yours?"

These are the things I go over and over,
emptying out the pockets of my life.
I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd,
right out in front,
Leading them all,
eager to arrive and worship,
Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving—
celebrating, all of us, God's feast!

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I'll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He's my God.

When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse
everything I know of you,
From Jordan depths to Hermon heights,
including Mount Mizar.
Chaos calls to chaos,
to the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers
crash and crush me.
Then God promises to love me all day,
sing songs all through the night!
My life is God's prayer.

Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God,
"Why did you let me down?
Why am I walking around in tears,
harassed by enemies?"
They're out for the kill, these
tormentors with their obscenities,
Taunting day after day,
"Where is this God of yours?"

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I'll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He's my God.

This Psalm touches on the conversation I have in my head and with God.

-Jess.

We Give Snaps Not Claps.

Each Friday at camp, we recognize the Jewish Sabbath beginning on Friday with a quiet service. The older bunks (13-15) give small speeches and at the end of those speeches, we snap instead of clapping.

How is this like our worship and our relationship with God? Do we often give a muted and stale response to the God who so loves humanity? We snap because it's accepted response. Perhaps we should be clapping though.

-Jess

Movies I've Watched.

I started getting Netflix delivered to the Halfway House (my nickname for my place of residence, I don't really live at a 1/2way house).

This is what I have watched so far...

Nights in Rodanthe - Richard Gere is hot. That's really the only reason. Decent story...sad.
Reign Over Me - An interesting look at mental illness and PTSD.
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - Lots of questions regarding how life progresses afterwards...good movie.
27 Dresses - Cute chick flick.
The Proposal - Predictable, but ok. I like Sandra Bullock.
Baby Mama - Eh, it's okay. I do like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler
Doubt - Good movie. Intense. Related to the Catholic sex abuse scandal.
28 Days - Portrays alcholism and rehab. Funny and relatable.
P.S. I Love You - The ending was good. A bit slow to start and scattered.
The Last King of Scotland - Portrayal of Uganda and Idi Amin. Fairly violent.
Jesus Camp - Oh snap, the Conservative Christians are loose. Scary what people teach their kids.
Made of Honor - I liked this movie. Patrick Dempsey...hot.
Philadelphia - Good movie about LGBT Discrimination. Relevant to the class I teach.
Princess Bride - Pretty funny. Good story too.
Seven Pounds - Intense. Powerful movie about Suicide and the meaning of life.
Who *#&$ is Jackson Pollack? - Hilarious. Female Trucker from Trailer Park takes on the art world.
Shrink - Eh, a movie about a pot-smoking therapist whose wife committed suicide. It was alright. Portrays addictions.
The Boy in the Striped Pajamas - Chilling movie about the son of a Nazi and a Jewish kid in a concentration camp.
Kate & Leopold - Eh...boring. Not such a good movie.
March of the Penguins - So sad...and yet, such a powerful story...
Deliver Us From Evil - A movie about the Catholic Church sex abuse scandal. The unthinkable story of Father Oliver O'Grady.
Fall from Grace - A movie about Westboro Baptist church and their teachings that those in the homosexual community are hated by God. Incredible that people believe such things.

-Jess.

The Project.

Yesterday, I started a project. The project represents who I hope to become.

The explanation:

I bought a couple of canvases a few weeks that I royally screwed up by choosing oil pastels over chalk pastels. So, I was like, "Crap." I had to figure out a nice way to recover the canvas and make something cool out of them. Well, the first canvas was turned into a tree on a snowy day - using my mad decoupage skills. The second has been chilling in my room. Last night it struck me that it had been a week since embarking on this bit of a journey. I decided that I would mark this journey by adding a small piece of paper to the canvas for every day that I am on this journey (and let's be honest, the journey will be long). I would also take a picture as each piece was added and at the end, be able to compile it all to form a stop motion video.


What the picture will be of:

I received a text from a friend that said, "You are so loved." Believing that is at the heart of the matter. The color scheme will be similar to that of tree (shades of white and brown).

Yeah, I know it's pretty lame-o, but it definitely kept me occupied for about 5 hours. That might be all that matters. And it might not even look like tree. Thanks to Biopsych, I often look at it and think of neurons and neurotransmitters...fantastic.

-Jess.

The Ride to School...New Dog?! What??

So, primarily on principle, I am refusing to get a parking pass for ISU. They are $85 and I think that is simply an exorbitant amount of money to pay for a plastic placard. Therefore, I made the decision to ride to school each day on my bike. I may die before the end of the semester, but whatever. The bike was out of commission for 2 days, so I walked (not nearly as fun or speedy).

The real reason why I haven't given into the comfortable joy of riding in Rudy (my truck) is that I love the time I spend on my bike (for many reasons).

1) I meet some of the coolest people. Meet as in say hello to and sometimes have casual conversations with. I make it my goal to say "Good morning" or "Good afternoon" to everyone I see. I am finding that I would not ever come into contact with these people outside my walk/ride to school in the morning. I could sit comfortably in my truck and drive to school, but it would not be nearly as cool. The people I meet are my neighbors too. They are people I see everyday on my bike ride to school, usually just chilling on their porch. As I consider my career, it feels very cut off from the world outside of academia. This to me is frightening.

2) God reveals himself in nature. It is fall here and there is such beauty all around. I see several squirrels (one of my favorite animals) on my ride. Not so much to do with nature but --- there is also this black lab puppy that runs to greet me happily as I pass.
______

Perhaps on a completely opposite topic - I want a dog something fierce. Dogs are a lot like children though...and everyone knows how I feel about kids. They tie you down. They limit your freedom. They demand attention when you are exhausted. Yes, but I do still want a dog. I just haven't had enough guts to ask my landlady.

Jess

The Hole in My Knee and Other Fun Stories.

So, I crashed my bike...again. I have an awesometastic puncture wound in my knee and lots of awesomely large and in charge bruises to accompany that wound!

On a happier note, my nephew is pretty cool. He was pretending to drive my truck the other day. He does have a mini 'fro working here. I think this may have even been after his haircut...oy.

I Am Still Running - Jon Foreman

You remember me
before I learned to run.
At the kissing tree
before I learned my guns.
We were 17,
17 years young.

I am still running.
I am still running.

I had no idea the pain would be this strong.
I had no idea the fight would last this long.
In my darkest fears, the rights become the wrongs.

I am still running.
I am still running.
I am still running.
I am still running.

Build me a home inside your scars.
Build me a home inside your song.
Build me a home inside your open arms.
The only place I ever will belong.

I am still running.
I am still running.
I am still running.
I am still running.

Build me a home inside your scars.
Build me a home inside your song.
Build me a home inside your open arms.
The only place I ever will belong,
The only place I ever will belong,
Inside your open arms,
The only place I ever will belong.

That Friend...

That Friend
By J. Berryhill

Maybe you have “that friend”
who starts out each conversation
with a disclaimer.

They say,
"At the risk of being a
glib conversationalist
or letting my tongue slip
like a slinky, tumbling down
a flight of stairs,
I must keep this brief,
but bear in mind that I am
generally a talker."

And to yourself, you say,"Crap,"
but not before they continue.

"Have you ever noticed
how ridiculous
we look with ears
protruding out the sides
of our heads like fleshy
whirlpools? It seems
to me that one day
God was playing with Mr.
Potato Head when he
discovered that the ears
looked absurd affixed to the
top of the head.
And to Himself,
he chuckled.

Like I said, I must keep my
tongue on a leash or
it will scurry from my possession.

But I’ve also heard
legs be compared
to logs or stalks or
some other vegetational
remains. This comparison
leaves us with much
to be desired.
I think legs
look a lot like
popsicle sticks from those
twin popsicles that my mom
would demand me
to split in half and share
with my brother.
When divided, it turned
out so symmetrical.
It was the only thing we
could divide in half
perfectly without one
complaining that they
got jipped by the other.

Speaking of appendages,
we have to mention feet!
You know what they say
about women with big feet.
I am not sure I agree,
but then again,
my feet have been compared
to skis, boats and canoes.
Once, I told a kid
I had six toes.

I have been careful to treat your
time with care so you
do not retreat from here
deeming my speech
a waste of your life."

Glimpse of God, Bud, & Rules of the Asylum

Glimpse of God
Jess Berryhill

Each of us nestled in the grass with
the blades tickling our ears and
our heads cranked to the heavens
above to gain a glimpse of shooting
stars that burst light across the sky.

Seven girls—Jewish, Catholic, and Mormon,
each unknowingly getting a glance at God.

We dared not stare away from the sky,
afraid to miss the white blip bolting
through the blackened night.
Millions of other stars shined but none
rivaled the brilliance of the one
shooting star we saw that night.

In the northeast corner of the sky,
a speck ignited trailing off in a
perfect line and finally burning out.
The shouts of jubilation and awe echoed
off the nearby lake, rivaling the loon.

As I fell asleep that night, my mind
replayed my glimpse of God.

______________________

Bud


His bud was his Bud
More than I was.
He gave Apple Pucker
More kisses than he did to me.
He enjoyed the sound of Brandy's name
More than he did mine.

______________________


Rules of the Asylum

At eighteen and right after high school graduation,
I found myself hearing this long spiel of expectations.

“You are here because you have made a suicide attempt
and the rules will be enforced, none of which you are exempt.”

Rule Number One: Do not try to kill yourself, you will fail.
Be aware that we have not missed any minute detail.

Hollow plastic shower rods and double-paned windows are
a few of the measures to set safety at a high bar.

Rule Number Two: All Metal and shoestrings are forbidden.
You do a disservice to others to keep them hidden.

People here want to hurt themselves and this will give the means
to do acts where a staff member will have to intervene.

Rule Number Three: Interact in group therapy sessions.
The therapist will constantly write down their impressions.

Professionals review over your progress each day.
Your impending release requires doing things our way.

Rule Number Four: Always consume the food that you receive.
The nurse will mark a percentage down on how much you leave.

Eating regularly is crucial to your well-being.
Do this consistently, and your time here will be fleeting.

Rule Number Five: Forget trying to escape the psych wing.
Doors shut on the push of a button, crushing anything.”

The voice begins to fade into the background of my thoughts
And I realize I have traded one hell for another.

Jake

It's been nearly 6 years since my best pal, Jake, died. Yes, Jake was a dog, but he was my childhood companion.

We got Jake when I was in Kindergarten. My dad brought him home when my mom was away at food service conference. Dad got him from his work, where they randomly had dogs, and his main reason for choosing Jake was that, unlike the other dogs, Jake was standing on a stump when it was raining.

I wrote a story about Jake in 1st grade. It included incredibly crafted sentences like, "I play fetch with Jake." Skills, I know. Nonetheless, Jake was one the who would lay next to the Monopoly board as I pretended to play against him. He wasn't very good. We grew up and he grew old.

One of Jake's favorite things to do was ride in the car. When I got my license, I would take him with me any chance I got. We were pals.

I remember my mom calling me during the first semester of my freshman year to say that Jake was real sick and that he probably wasn't going to live much longer. I made a special trip home on a Friday night to see him. There he was on laying on a pillow in the kitchen. He could only lift his head a few inches and wag his tail when he saw me. I whispered in his ear, "Buddy, it's okay, you can go."

The next morning, my mom called me to tell me that Jake had died.

-Jess.

Shadows (David Crowder Band)

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow

And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross

Normality

Herbert Hoover made this word up and it stuck...but it wasn't a word before then.

Should we fix something that is broken? Should we fix ourselves if we are broken? I question it merely because it would change who we are and possibly eliminate what makes us unique to achieve this normality. Maybe broken isn't bad...

Jess.

In the end, what matters?

What does it matter if I smile to those I see on the street or if I hold open the door for a stranger in lieu of the cold, distant shoulder?

What does it matter if, instead of yelling and screaming at the person behind the counter, give grace and understanding that it was simply a honest mistake?

What does it matter if I show compassion to those on the fringes of society rather than diminishing them to second-class citizens?

What does it matter if we toss the cluttered datebooks and simply live instead of wading through life?

What does it matter if love shown to others is not shown to ourselves?

What does it matter if love shown to ourselves is not shown to others?

In the end, what matters?

-BHill.

Mileage for Week 1/Biking...

Monday: 1.5 - 25 minutes biking to and from school
Tuesday: 3.7 - 3 round trips to school...1 hour and 15 minutes biking
Wednesday: 2.5 - 25 minutes biking to and from school
______________________

Miles thus far: 7.7/Minutes Biked: 125 minutes
______________________

I am incredibly sore today. Tomorrow...maybe exercising 2 hours...Grey's Anatomy will be on for that long... We'll see.

Yeah October 9-11!...Rock my socks off...

So, I will be attending Homecoming at AU as an Alum this year. This is Fall Break, and it is going to be AWE-SOME! First off, one of my favorite people, Amber, will be in town! :) I will get to see some of my most awesomest profs! Amy and Meredith (and Candice) will be on tap sometime during the weekend. I am chilling with Laura for one of the nights. My Canadian friend Anjali may (hopefully) be in Carmel for a conference! That would really be quite awesome as well. Nonetheless...a jammed packed weekend of awesomeness.

Totally stoked.

----------------

BHill.

46 Seconds

I will be running 2 races very soon.

The Race for the Cure (5k)
Drumstick Dash (2.6 miles) on Thanksgiving Morning in Broad Ripple.

I have been inspired by a few of the profs in the department.
________

Today was long. I had to do an impromptu lecture along with my normal classes. Then I ran a study session for the class I T.A. for. I got home around 7 and went for a run.
________

I am now quite tuckered.

-BHill.

Food for Thought.

A more positive spin on equality and how we see God.

-Jess

So, I write funny emails...

A compliation/snippets of my funnier emails to people - uncensored and all...

This is an email to my best pal, Kelley. I was listing the reasons why I missed having her as a roommate...

Reason #523 - You listen to my ramblings about the studies I am doing and how I'll be the next Erikson or Freud. If they come to you for information about my life after I die, you must not disclose... Basically, you're the next DeepThroat...except they will call you FoxyMama...

Reason #492 - We made a video to our future children documenting our college years... Maybe we should have left that undocumented. I can just hear little Shania (that's what you would name your daughter), "Mom, you and Aunt Yac were lame in college." Or perhaps little Hollow Willow Yaconelli Berryhill saying the same. (Apparently, I = having an illegitimate child).

________

About class:

Yeah, it should be an interesting discussion. I think we have both liberal and conservative thinkers in our class. And other thinkers that are well....something else.
________

About a possible new living arrangement in Terre Haute on Craigslist:

Free Junk Mobile Home

I just purchased a piece of land with a junk mobile home on it that has been abandoned and vandilized it IS NOT inhabitable. If you can haul it away its yours, there is no title to it.

Awesome...I just found a free house on craig's list.

jess.
________

About my mom and her celebrity crush:

Gosh. Crazy town. Did I tell you who my mom thinks is "hot" ? I'll give you three guesses. What is that you say? Patrick Dempsey. No.
Brad Pitt. No. George Clooney. Nope! Wait for it...wait for it....

Kid Rock...

I was speechless after that conversation.

________

So, Deb was talking yesterday about how she would "stand on the corner" if it meant grandma being able to afford to move out... so then we go to Chicago's pizza, and deb paid for my lunch and I put 5 dollars in ones in her glove box and said, "Here.." She was "No, Keep it..." My response - classic: "Deb, you might need it to make change for a five later..."

________

-Jess

Keep Breathing.

Keep Breathing
Ingrid Michaelson

The storm is coming but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds

All that I know is I'm breathing now

I want to change the world
Instead I sleep

I want to believe in more than you and me
But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing now
All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

________

Good song.

Question of the Day.

Question of the day:

What would your warning label say?

-Jess.

Honestly...

e.e. cummings was one of the most eclectic poets. His poems often resemble a jumbled mess, yet convey profound meanings. This is one of my favorites.

l(a by e.e. cummings

l(a

le
af
fa
ll

s)
one
l

iness

It reads: l(a leaf falls)oneliness

Jess.

Values

I wrote this 2 years ago - much of it is still true.

_____________________

Relationships are important to me. My friends are the people I value the most. Most of them consist of people I met while at AU. I do value the community I have with my friends, and the honesty within those relationships. I don’t think I realized this until the first semester of senior year. Kelley was studying abroad, and it was hard not to have that community. We spent a lot of time together cooking and eating meals and hanging out. I think that I have taken it for granted in the past, but I definitely have came to value this more.

One of the most important ideas I value is that of education, but this is not limited only to the institutional settings of schools and universities. The broader use of the word is what I value. Education is broadly defined as, “the act or process of imparting or acquiring general knowledge, developing the powers of reasoning and judgment, and generally of preparing oneself or others intellectually for mature life” (Dictionary.com). Very simply, I love to learn. School has always been a bright spot in my life through times when I was struggling in other areas. This is likely why I get very frustrated and angry when I am not challenged by professors to learn and reach out past the point of my current understanding. Ultimately, I feel like they are failing me and my pursuit to learn. I educate myself as well through reading literary works, scholarly journals, and researching topics that peak my interest. I spend quite a bit of my own time doing this outside of class. There is a certain amount of humility one has to have in order to truly value education. I have to be willing to say that I do not know everything, and also that I value education enough to say that I will never achieve the pinnacle of knowledge where I could give up my pursuit of learning.

I value my faith enough to not quit seeking to find a relationship with Him. If I did not value this aspect of my life, I would have tossed my faith to the wayside a long time ago. I know it’s important to have a relationship with God. One day, I hope that I’ll see why. Right now, I am just sticking with it because I know I should. I don’t really know how I would measure whether I achieve a sort of spiritual sensitivity. I don’t know if one could ever fully attain that, and I think that recognizing the success or failure in attaining a sort of spiritual awareness falls completely on the discretion of each individual. I don’t think I could rely too heavily on other people telling me how well I am doing spiritually.


I value the role I play in making a global impact. It’s something I deeply believe. I try to become educated about places where injustices occur. The effort I put forth to improve the global situation will be something that I will do through out my life. There are several issues that I involve myself in, and I have become very active in dealing with certain issues. Even if I am not directly involved in an issue, I think it’s important to become educated about those issues as well. In order to value the “global impact” concept, one must also embrace other things as well. The belief of equality is something that I believe is essential to the concept of “global impact.” I value equality, because I think everyone deserves equality in the education they receive or in the healthcare treatment they get. Once I began to see the lack of these things and the inequality it created, that is when I became passionate aiding the gaps that had been created. Valuing my role in making a global impact has also made me value compassion. Again, to truly impact the world, one must have compassion. The two go hand in hand. Being aware about the struggles people face around the globe and seeing that face to face has helped me become more compassionate.

I tend to value consistency and security as ideas around which I structure my life. I value consistency, because a large part of my life was spent in an inconsistent environment. I see myself valuing consistency in the patterns of my daily life. It’s very much the same day to day. I do certain things in a particular order. I have seen that I thrive on having at least some structure in my life. It has been beneficial in some ways these last four years to develop consistency in my life. Security follows the sort of same lines that consistency takes. I value feeling secure and safe in my surroundings. It gives me a sense of comfort. If I don’t feel secure, I get frazzled and tense. Obviously, this falls low on Maslow’s hierarchy, and it is necessary for every human being.

I seek approval from many different sources, but in each instance, what I hope to gain is different. I seek affirmation in the workplace and in school just to know I am doing things right and that I am on the right track with the work I am doing.

The verdict is in...

Sometimes, you need someone in your life to say, "What the heck are you doing?" or perhaps, "Um, off track much?" And yet, I feel like that's what God is saying to me right now (perhaps not in those exact words). What would a conversation with God look like right now? Not so awesome. Some decisions (good and bad) have been made and perhaps I need to evaluate where I stand.

Jess.

The Most Random Music Video Ever...

So, I like this song, "Open Your Heart" by Lavender Diamond a lot. I was like, "Oh, I wonder if there is a video." And there was....Seriously, so funny. The lead singer is on roll skates...

Simplicity...

It's the simple things that remind us of how much we gathered from a moment in time, event, or person.

Things I Miss in My Life:

1) People who appreciate Smile Fries and Late Night Taco Doritos (i.e. Kelley/Catie and my campers).

2) Random dancing breaks and learning dances such as the Soulja Boy, Cotton-Eyed Joe, etc. on YouTube.

3) Being able to watch Bravo! and other such awesomeness (Keith Olbermann).

4) My little nephew - 'fro and all.

5) Having chats with roommates while laying in our bunk beds.

6) Getting hugged.

7) Cooking dinner for Kelley or Catie - or cooking dinner together.... or making meals in advance.

8) Rearranging furniture with Kelley (mostly).

9) Making up stupid games like Mom Wars.

-Jess.

What's New...

The new things in my life:

1. Graduate school and everything that comes with it (see below).

2. Teaching and being taught - I suppose this is what professors do everyday, but it feels weird to be a student and teacher at the same time.

3. More specifically, leading discussion groups for The Psychology of Human Sexuality and Sexual Responsibility....adventures indeed!

4. Lots of free time = I need another job.

5. Having my research interests shift from Group Dynamics to Infidelity. Perhaps not a switch I am ready to make, but we will go with it.

6. Going green and riding my bike to school everyday!

7. Missing the awesome people and the bonds formed at the house church in Anderson.

It's been a weird transition. One perhaps I am trying to be okay with, but I haven't really quite warmed up to yet.

-Jess.

Terre Haute and All of It's Awesomeness...

My Observations Thus Far:

1. I will be living on a diet of turkey sandwiches and rice cakes. It's not very much fun to cook for 1.

2. I am going green...Boo to ISU and their exorbant parking permit fees...so I'll be biking two or three miles to school and back each day.

3. Goodwill serves as a recycling center! Yay.

4. Thank gosh I didn't go to St. Mary of the Woods (an all girls school) for Undergrad!

-Yac

Welp...

Well, to say that I am not slightly still sad about leaving camp would be a lie. This summer was pretty fracking awesome. Camp is the place where I feel most at home and most myself.

Now....

I start grad school on Monday. My feelings are mixed to say the least. I need to find some sort of community to plug in to. I feel that I may get impatient as I try to find this so called "niche." Even though I am more than ready to get back at it, I guess it just feels very blah at the moment. This scares me. I feel like I should have more passion and excitement.

I am living in a house with a few other people - 1 who I've met but don't know really at all and the other who has not moved in. It'd be great to connect with these people, but I am not sure that it will be that easy.

The blog will be updated again now that I have time.

-yac.

Camp is perhaps the time where I feel most at home. The summer is going well, and I, of course, love camp!

All is well.

Jess.

Hey Guys!

Hey guys...

So it's been awhile. It's real difficult to keep this thing up to date. During my free time I generally don't feel like chilling in the computer lab typing up stuff. However, I thought that I would update this beast.

Camp is good, but camp is always good. I've got a lot on my mind as of late, which if you know me in the slightest is not surprising. It has rained buckets here, and honestly, we just need a day of sunshine. Hopefully, relief will come soon!

Other than camp craziness, which is ongoing, I am doing fine. I miss my nephew who is turning 1 today! :) He brings joy to my life and I miss seeing him. Love that kid.

Anyway, I need to get some sleep. The bugle will be blowing before ya know it, and I'll be at it again.

-Jess.

Camp: Sunday, June 14 - 12:08 am

Hey friends... Today was my fourth day at camp. I went on laminating adventures today!!!! Be jealous. Tomorrow will be more office work, but then the work begins on Monday. Yay! I fracking love to work. :). True words. I miss my nephew a lot, but the directors have a little boy about 6 mos. older, and he has the curly hair just like Bug (that's what we call Briley, short for Briley Bug...poor kid). Anyway, I need to get some el-sleep-o. Phone calls and texts are great. :)

Jess.

camp: day 3

Well, adventures are my new passion. Today, I went on a collating adventure! I know sorting w4s....be jealous. Who knows what is in store for tomorrow.

Jess.

camp: day 3

Well, adventures are my new passion. Today, I went on a collating adventure! I know sorting w4s....be jealous. Who knows what is in store for tomorrow.

Jess.

Camp: Day 1

Well, it is great to be back at camp. I love it here and I feel like it is home.

Today, I got out to the ropes course despite the rain. I picked up loads of sticks with the help of the maintenance crew. I think that it will be a good summer. We have no male staff up in ropes this year, but it should be okay. I think we are implementing a team building aspect to our programming. This is exciting because the focus has been solely on climbing. This is an important element to any course.

I will be blogging when I can. Perhaps more frequently as the kids aren't here.

Jess.

Something Like A Prayer Voyage

Today, in about 3 hours, I will set off for Maine. I am excited. I was thinking today of ways to maybe help keep me focused while driving the 18 hours. I am going to pray. I am not very good at prayer for many reasons. Nonetheless, this is the schedule for my voyage.

Hour 1: Thanks God.
Hour 2: Family
Hour 3: Societal Concerns
Hour 4: The Summer Ahead
Hour 5: Friends
Hour 6: Nations
Hour 7: Service
Hour 8: Me
Hour 9 Thanks God
Hour 10: Friends
Hour 11: The Future
Hour 12: The Past
Hour 13: The Present
Hour 14: Thanks God
Hour 15: Fears
Hour 16: Joys
Hour 17: Hope/Love
Hour 18: Thanks God

Jess.

Hope

There's a book by Maya Angelou entitled, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings. It reminds me of hope. I recommend it, though it is rather difficult subject matter. Angelou embodies hope. I think if I could meet someone it might be her.

Romans 5:3-5 reminds me of hope as it relates to suffering.

What is hope though besides an abstract concept or maybe emotion?

It is far beyond the hope that a basketball player has as the last second shot hangs on the rim for an eternity and with a tilt either direction producing drastically different results.

It is far beyond the wishful ideations of what we might do if we were to fall into a great sum of money.

It seems to me hope is stashed in the idea that the outcome of ANY situation will glorify God, serve others, or draw us closer to Him. It is not the hope that we will gain or be blessed. If our goal in different situations is to rack up blessings or to have it inherently bless our lives, then I think we are on the wrong track.

I struggle to have hope. It seems to me that some things are perhaps too difficult to understand in a way that would allow us to have hope.

Heck, I don't know.

Jess.

El Crap-O

Man, I haven't felt real swell all day. In fact, I never really get sick, so this is pretty lame-o.

___________

On another note:

I feel like I am doing a lot of running from things (figuratively speaking). I have made some decisions that have placed me on the brink of huge breakthroughs in regards to what I may need to do to discover who I am as a person, and yet at the same time, the risk of failure is also always present.

This journey must involve God and at the end of the road lies forgiveness. Forgiveness is the absolute key to joy. It isn't a clean cut process nor is it simple.

Somedays, the task looks less daunting than others.

Jess.

The Reasons Why I Love Camp...

Not that I somehow need to be convinced, it makes me remember how much I am looking forward to going.

1. D and L and Korner Store - Okay, D and L is a gas station, but an awesome one. They have good cookies and the best sandwiches. I love it. In fact, I sometimes crave it during the winter. Korner Store has some fantabulous BBQ Chicken Pizza. Yum.

2. The Lake - I love the lake that Matoaka is on.

3. The willow trees - I dreaned of having willow trees at my house as a kid. I love them because of Pocahontas (which Matoaka was her nickname apparently).

4. That it is in Maine - As a kid, I wanted to move to Maine because there were very few tornadoes.

5. Todd - I can't say enough about the male "mean machine" (a guy counselor) assigned to my bunk. He has become like a brother.

6. College League during Orientation - OMGosh, I love the relay race. It might be my favorite thing at camp.

7. Dodgeball - Well, cause I pretty much dominate.

8. Skiing

9. The kids - really I do love my bunk of girls. I have seen them mature over the years.

There are many, many other things, but typing this out on my phone has been somewhat time-consuming. I am really stoked to go!

Jess.

A Prayer

God,

Ease the fear in my heart for it is paralyzing. You are evident in the sounds of the day - birds chirping, the laughter shared between friends. However, you do not fade as the sun sets. Rather you are here in the nights when the tears soak pillowcases and when sleep evades me. In these sounds, even then, you are evident. It so happens that I often don't believe this very readily.

God, I do not ask you to convince me of your goodness nor do I ask you to be evident in my life. To do so would be asking you to do what you are already doing. I only ask for the heart that would be open and searching for opportunities to discover that on my own.

Amen.
Jess.

Dead and Gone

Rap music is sometimes perhaps not the most wholesome music. However, I stumbled upon this song by T.I. and Justin Timberlake. This song is high quality, especially the chorus and the end.

It speaks redemption. I identify with it more than I would perhaps like to admit.

-Jess

Recollection

He recollected the story,
sitting in the cedar swing,
crafted with his crinkled hands.
Born days after Black Monday,
into a world of turmoil
and later orphaned at seven,
he spoke of his life
with a tone of adventure despite
it being one of great despair.

A young boy living in a bear
cave, free from parents.
A home carved by nature
in the side of a mountain.
He slept amongst the bears,
adopted into their family.
At eight, I marveled at what a life
that would have been, clinging
to the stories of his journeys.

Sometimes, I forget what
his voice sounded like
as he told his stories.
The flowers that blanketed the mound
had long been removed and
the granite slab placed at the site.
Hibernating below my feet,
he has faded into the
silence of the eternal cave.

___________

This is a poem I wrote about my grandpa in an poetry class during college. My grandpa, Carl Berryhill, died in 2002 when I was a junior in high school. I prayed every night as a kid that he would see me graduate high school and get married.

He never lived in a bear cave. Born on Black Monday, it seemed like that would be the foreshadowing for much of his life. In fact, during the depression, he was passed from family to family and only had a 3rd grade education. He ran moonshine. Under Roosevelt's plan, he worked in the CCC camps in Tennessee, and I believe he entered the Army underage. Nonetheless, he fought in the Pacific. The only time he ever talked about it was when he told the story about drinking green beer and eating York peppermint patties.

He was an alcoholic for much of his life, but I never knew him when he drank. In fact, the memories I have of my grandpa are tender and loving. He taught me how to use a hammer and my favorite time was spent out in his workshop. He was a talented woodworker, crafting fabulous front porch swings out of cedar and walnut. His favorite place to be was to be on the porch.

I would mess up his combover and he would yell, but secretly, he loved it.

I miss him.

-Jess

Sunday

"When we get it right, 'I'm sorry is redemption.'"

-Grey's Anatomy

No deep explanation for that. Just appreciated the quote.

______________

Today, well, it was pretty swell. I got to be with my uncle all day. A lot of Uncle Jim time. We did what we always do...pretty much have fun. We:

1) removed form boards.
2) ate lunch.
3) put together furniture (lame-o)
4) went to Wal-mart to buy fishing poles and bread (bait)
5) fished. caught nothing. messed up my new pole.
6) ate dinner.
7) played about a zillion rounds of cornhole.

He's pretty awesome. However, during the week, he works a lot, so it was good to just spend a whole day with him. In the winter, we trap small, furry creatures... it's really not my thing, but he enjoys it. Then it the summer, we feed the fish out in the pond and attempt to fish. I don't like to fish...I just like to cast the line and reel it in.

_______________

Camp Countdown: 10 days...

yac.

Cake Wrecks

I managed to fumble on to a great site through a friend's facebook profile. It's called Cake Wrecks. It is pretty much the most hilarious thing ever.

www.cakewrecks.blogspot.com

yac.

Well...

Well, I've graduated from college. What to do now? Look at somw qualitative data from my most recent study...6un way to spend the start of summer break.

yac.

Speaking of Husbands V...

66. I hate Jane Austen and Charlotte Bronte novels (i.e. Pride and Prejudice & Jane Erye). The romance and ridiculousness of these books is sickening...ew.
67. Modern literature 1900-1950 is my favorite literary genre.
68. Sometimes, I count my steps.
69. I tend to mumble and not enunciate my words, especially if I am in a less than happy mood.
70. I built challenge course things and they end up in the house, truck, and pretty much everywhere at times. I think it shows passion.
71. Drama is lame. For real though, none of that.
72. I really like to use spoons for most foods.
73. Speaking of foods, my favorite food is a turkey sandwich.
74. I don't like: lobster, shrimp, fish, crab, steak (most of the time), any game meat, most vegetables (minus green beans, corn, and occassionally tomatoes), and weird stuff (tofu).
75. I am really not into diamonds or gold or jewelry...a plain wedding/engagement band (no bling) would be great (in silver).
76. I love to sled and play in the snow.
77. During the summer, I strive for a farmer's tan...it's good to have goals.
78. I can't stand wided rule paper...what a waste of space!

-yac.

Finished.

I am done (unofficially) with my career as an undergraduate student at AU.

The emotions are mixed.

-yac

Speaking of Husbands IV...

55. I play with things during conversation. I am listening. It just helps me think.
56. I doodle abstract drawings sometimes (i.e. checkered patterns of 5 horizontal lines and 5 vertical lines), but I also draw doodles of made up characters (donut man and amoeba child).
57. I don't like industrial lighting. Lamps are always preferred.
58. I am a thrifty grocery shopper. I love the grocery store, and I find it to be a very chill place to stroll and think.
59. I hate alarm clocks.
60. I have a thing for pens that write well. Your ordinary BIC will simply not do.
61. Cookies and Dr. Pepper are my weaknesses.
62. I don't like for my hands to feel grimy. I will need to wash them ASAP. I also do not like to put lotion on my hands.
63. I am really sensitive about things being near or touching my eyes. In fact, I will probably freak out.
64. On the same note, if you grab the back of my arm (bicep/tricep area), I will definitely freak out. A basketball player on another team pinched me there once, and now I feel like I will deck anyone who touches me there.
65. I love having lots of blankets on my bed (7 or 8). A good blanket is great!

yac.

We Were Meant to Live for So Much More: Analyzing Body Image, Cosmetic Surgery, and Beauty from a Christian Perspective

Thoughts on the Topic:

Imagine that you are led into a sterile exam room. The walls are plastered with before-and-after shots of those “Beauty and the Beast” patients who chose to take the route of cosmetic surgery. You try to sit gently in the comfortable exam chair in order to avoid making the paper lining crunch too loudly. You wait on the doctor to arrive in the room with a heroic and confident voice saying, “I can make you beautiful!” What if Jesus stepped through the door instead? Would he approve of the enhancement process that you are about to undertake? At least, you would get a real answer to the question, “What would Jesus do?”

Society has unleashed a new set of standards for beauty, and beauty has now become sexualized. The Report of the APA Task Force on the Sexualization of Girls shows how these standards for beauty are evident in many facets of popular culture. The report defines sexualization using four criteria. It occurs when a person is “sexually objectified” or that “person’s value comes from his or her sexual appeal or behavior, to the exclusion of other characteristics” (2). It also occurs when “a person is held to a standard that equates physical attractiveness (narrowly defined) with being sexy” or when “sexuality is inappropriately imposed upon a person” (2). Many of the instances where a girl or woman is sexualized go unnoticed and are considered just part of society. The study gives the example of a 5-year-old walking through a mall with a shirt that says “Flirt,” or in a magazine ad, where an older woman is portrayed as a child (2). Both of these instances show that the “distinction between adults and children is blurred, thus sexualizing girlhood” (2). Older women are pressured to look younger and young girls are pressured to look older. The study stated, “If one accepts fashion ‘supermodels’ as representing the culturally accepted standard of idealized female beauty, the ideal age appears to be about 17” (30). There begins to be a blurred and narrow idea of sexualized beauty, and it leaves women longing for something they cannot have.

When a society has such a narrow and highly sexualized definition of beauty, many women feel pressured to obtain the society’s standard of beauty. One way to do this is to resort to cosmetic surgery as a way to achieve a more youthful appearance.

Cosmetic surgery and reconstructive surgery differ in their purposes, and so it is necessary to define both. According to Food and Fitness: A Dictionary of Diet and Exercise, cosmetic surgery is defined as, “Surgical techniques used to beautify the body. Sometimes cosmetic surgery is used to reduce psychological suffering, but often it is practiced without good medical reason by people whose prime motive is profit.” Cosmetic surgery procedures include Botox injections, liposuction, breast augmentation, and tummy tucks. Reconstructive surgery, however, addresses physical features stemming from and including accidents, burns, congenital defects or reconstruction after breast cancer. The moral acceptability of reconstructive surgery lies in its purpose. The purpose of reconstructive surgery is to fix injuries or defects that will better the life of the patient. Cosmetic surgery, on the other hand, is morally unacceptable due to its purpose. A common adage claims, “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it.” Cosmetic surgery aims to fix features that are not broken, but only dissatisfying to the patient, which is why it is morally unacceptable.

Cosmetic surgery rates have skyrocketed in the past five years. Women make up the bulk of cosmetic surgery patients. The American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery stated that out of nearly 11.5 million surgical and non-surgical cosmetic procedures, women make up 92% of the patients (3). This is not to say that men are not conscious about there bodies, but perhaps women do feel more pressure to change and fix their less than perfect bodies. One instance has been the rise in Botox injections. According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, from 2000 to 2005, the number of Botox injections increased from “roughly three quarters of a million to almost 4 million, amounting to a 388% increase” (qtd. in APA 30). Botox is a procedure aimed at making the patient look younger and more vibrant. One study discovered that women, ages 20 to 60, who were shown ads of thin models had more “body-focused anxiety” than when they were exposed to average sized models or no models at all (qtd. in APA 30). Perhaps from this data, one can speculate that the narrow and sexualized definition of beauty pushes more women to pursue cosmetic surgery to fix their imperfections. How does cosmetic surgery fit into the Christian perspective and standards?

The Bible sets forth standards that conflict with the more accepted worldly views. Biblical standards of living and of beauty are often revolutionary or radical when set next to worldly standards. It is important to begin to explore Biblical standards in order to understand whether cosmetic surgery is an appropriate option for Christians.

Many people who seek cosmetic surgery skirt a thin line between wanting to feel good about their bodies and fueling a vain obsession with their own looks. Vanity has become widely accepted standard in society today, and cosmetic surgery only feeds the obsession with one’s body. One glance at our consumer market shows that society places value on being vain. In 2005, “anti-aging” product sales rose over 10 percent in 2005 and totaled 11 billion dollars in sales worldwide (qtd. in APA 30). Cosmetic surgery takes vanity to a whole new level. Cosmetic surgery can become an addicting obsession, and though it is not recognized as a specific addition, Dr. Nancy Etcoff, a Harvard psychologist states, “if something interferes in your life with devastating consequences and [yet] you persist in that activity, that's addiction" (Adato & Harrington). What once started out as vanity, can lead to more severe disorders such as Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD). BDD is “a debilitating preoccupation with slight or nonexistent flaws that afflicts 1 to 3 percent of Americans, but up to 15 percent of cosmetic surgery patients” (Adato & Harrington) and this can cause patients to undergo numerous cosmetic procedures to fix a minor problem. Even though this is not a disorder that will affect every cosmetic surgery patient, it seems that cosmetic surgery is often done for self-centered reasons.

The Bible warns against an attitude of vanity, and Christians are to be other-centered rather than self-centered. In Philippians 2:3-4, it states, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should not look only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others” (NIV). When cosmetic surgery is employed to make oneself better than another, it violates Biblical standards. If a woman gets cosmetic surgery to look youthful, she is comparing herself to both the women in her peer group as well as younger women. She does not want to look “old” like other women in her peer group, and an internal beauty contest ensues. This would qualify as something done through “selfish ambition.” The idea of vanity comes down to what motives lie behind the decision to get plastic surgery. In the end, Proverbs 21:2 sums this up by saying, “We justify our actions by appearances. God examines our motives” (MSG).

The cost behind cosmetic surgery is another issue to look at under a Biblical microscope. The American Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS) found that Americans spent 12 billion dollars on both surgical and non-surgical cosmetic surgeries in 2006 (11). The most inexpensive procedure done is lip augmentation and its cost weighs in at about $1,700. This figure represents only the fee for the physician or the surgeon (11). The most expensive surgery, a lower body lift, rakes in about $7,000 dollars for the doctor (11). The average cost for the 22 most common surgical procedures is just shy of $4,000. These figures do not include the anesthesiologist, time off, or any other expenses that might be incurred by a patient. Non-surgical procedures are not cheap either. They range from $160 for a microdermabrasion to $2,300 for laser skin resurfacing (ASAPS 11). Often, these non-surgical procedures have to be performed numerous times to get the desired effect, and even then, it might only be a temporary fix. Since cosmetic surgery is generally not covered by insurance, the money comes directly out of the patient’s pocket.

Some patients have gone into debt to achieve the perfect look. The article “Obsessed with Plastic Surgery,” shows four individuals who went into debt to have cosmetic surgery work done. The article interviewed Twila Solari, a 44 year-old woman, who has spent over $150,000 in 25 years on cosmetic surgery procedures. Many might call her addicted to cosmetic surgery, and the obvious financial implications would be hard to handle. Her current surgeon, Richard Ellenbogen commented on whether she had an addiction by saying, “Twila had a lot of surgery, yes. An addict? No. She was obsessed about getting it right” (Adato & Harrington). Many are willing to deal with the financial implications to achieve that “perfect look.”

Does the Bible give Christians any instruction on how they should spend their money? Again, the Philippians 2:3-4 could address this issue as well. Instead of spending money in self-centered ways, such as cosmetic surgery, it could be spent on improving the lives of others. In Luke 16:10-12, Jesus directly addresses financial stewardship:

Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else’s property, who will give you property of your own? (NIV)

These verses show that money can be used for two vastly different purposes. It can be used to serve others or it can be used for self-indulgence. If a Christian uses wealth for his or her pure enjoyment, then he or she is being dishonest with or wasting God’s blessing of wealth. Ultimately, cosmetic surgery only benefits one person, and that is the patient. If a Christian uses wealth to benefit others, he or she will benefit by feeling good about serving others, and it will aid people in need. By being “other-centered” rather than self-centered, Christians can become the light that Christ talks about in the Sermon on the Mount. He proclaimed in Matthew 5:16, “In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven” (NIV). If Christians want to be more like Christ and more “other-centered,” then they will find that cosmetic surgery is not the best route to choose.

It is a popular among Christian women to proudly proclaim themselves the “daughters of God,” made in His divine image. Why, then, has changing God-given features, what some would call imperfections, become such a priority in society today? Perhaps the influence of society’s narrow and sexualized definition of beauty is regarded more highly than God’s definition of beauty. Genesis 1:26 states, “God spoke: ‘Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature” (MSG). As Christians, it should be one of the most humbling realizations to discover that God would mold us in His image. Psalm 139:13 shows the love of God that went into forming each individual and what an amazing creation the human body is. It states:

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother's womb. I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration—what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you, the days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day. (MSG)

Is it wrong for Christians, being the creation of God, to question the Creator? When a Christian pursues cosmetic surgery to fix a minor imperfection, it is like telling God, “Well, You did not do it right the first time.” A Christian’s perspective of beauty should be different than society’s perspective of beauty. After all, Christians are called to go against the worldly grain. The human body should be something to marvel at for its complex workings, and that is indeed more beautiful than anything a cosmetic surgeon could create out of Botox or implants. A Christian who serves others rather than being self-centered is a beautiful sight to see. A popular song states, “We were meant to live for so much more, but we lost ourselves.” Christians have compromised their beliefs and God’s intentions for them when they begin to consider worldly expectations of beauty higher than God’s expectations beauty.

In the end, the Bible comments in Proverbs 31:30 saying, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised (NIV).” Ultimately, physical beauty is fleeting because it ends at the grave. For Christians, a relationship with Christ is the only eternal surety. Cosmetic surgery, then, should not be an option for Christians who want to repair minor imperfections or rid themselves of wrinkles. It does not fit in with Biblical standards of living or beauty. A Christian should try to build up his or her relationship with Christ, which is eternal and freeing, rather than focusing on his or her outward appearance that is worldly and fleeting.

yac.

The Water Keeps On Falling From My Eyes...

I try to find the cure for the pain. I have searched endlessly for the "something" that would provide me with hope.

Work. School. Relationships. God.

And yet, here I am...still. The water keeps on falling from my eyes.

How long do I fight until I realize that the brokenness is insurmountable? Until we realize the cure for the pain is a lost hope?

God doesn't make broken things, right? I am not convinced.

-yac.

The Cure for Pain

This song sums up a lot of how I feel right now.

-yac.

Feelings.

So, why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need.
You know what I need.

Your love is...your love is...your love is...

Strong.

Two things you told me:

That you are strong and that you love me.

________

Oh shake the nightmare free, I dream to hold you in my arms.
I dream to hold you in my arms, wide awake in my arms.

________

Created for a place I've never known....
This is home.
Now I'm finally where I belong.
I've been searching for a place of my own.

________

Help, I've done it again.
I've have been here many times before.
Hurt myself again today.
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame.

________

I lay my head back down.
And I lift my hands and pray to be only yours.
I know now you're my only hope.

________

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.
Praise Him all creatures here below.
Praise Him above the heavenly hosts.
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.
Amen.

________

Breathe in, breathe out.

There's a light in your eyes....

________

yac.

Speaking of Husbands III...

Continued from Below:

42. For the most part, I prefer to drive, and if I don't want to drive, I'll tell you. In that case, it means that I really don't want to drive.
43. I have large feet...maybe we can share shoes (just kidding).
44. I tend to be pretty particular about how something are arranged. For example, my books are arranged in height order and in groups, such as classics, contemporary lit, young adult lit, non-fiction, hardback, etc.
45. Messy kitchen cabinets drive me insane, and things in the kitchen need to be arranged logically.
46. I have a rule that during the week I can be somewhat messy, and I clean and prepare for the next week on the weekends.
47. I lock my keys in my car often. Don't get mad at me when I do this.
48. I don't carry a purse, so I'll never ask you to carry it.
49. The reason why I don't carry a purse is two-fold. 1) I lose things - the fewer the things, the less to lose. 2) Purses accumulate junk.
50. I have a pretty strict routine when I get up in the morning, just so ya know...takes about 20 minutes.
51. I dig office supplies. I was the kid who wanted paper and pen as a toy. Paperclips over staples any day.
52. I like video games when I am bored.
53. I call my mom "Deb."
54. Time and being on time/early is important to me. I appreciate punctuality and I am lost with a watch.

more soon.
yac.

Speaking of Husbands II...

Continued from the list below:

27. I can't count very well.
28. Make-up...yeah, I don't wear it. It's just not how I roll.
29. The wedding, yeah, it doesn't really matter a whole lot to me. Low-key, inexpensive - all good things.
30. Two things I enjoy: Messenger Bags and Books.
31. I like e-mail, but I love letters....
32. My hair is pretty crazy, and I haven't really found a good way to keep it under control quite yet.
33. Reading to our (hypothetical) children is important and necessary to me.
34. An abundance of toys for our (hypothetical) children is not necessary. Imaginations are the best gift parents can give.
35. Serving others in the local and global community together is necessary.
36. I would much rather go to a play or musical than see a concert.
37. Dogs are the choice for household pet (1 only at a time) - Golden Retriever or mutt.
38. I don't make my bed in the mornings.
39. Not afraid to kill spiders, bugs, or other crawly creatures.
40. Very afraid of mice, rats, snakes, the dark.
41. I tend to fall asleep with my glasses on...no worries, I don't mind it.

Adding more soon...

Speaking of Husbands...

As more and more of my friends are married or engaged, the conversation regarding the transition to living with their husbands is discussed. I figured it'd be good to have a list of my quirks before hand...then just hand him the list. You know, always prepared.

The List of Things My (Future/Hypothetical) Husband Should Know (In No Particular Order):

1. Flowers are overrated, but a good book...man, that'd be great.
2. Grey's Anatomy -- I like it, a lot.
3. If you ever buy a vacumn cleaner for me, it must have a smooth cord rather than a ribbed cord. Otherwise, it gives me the shivers and you will be asked to roll up the cord.
4. I hate folding laundry (absolutely detest it). I shove my clothes into my drawers. And it's lucky if it makes it that far.
5. If there's a dishwasher, just put the dishes in there until it gets full, then run it. Don't just put them in the sink.
6. I hate to unload the silverware from the dishwasher.
7. I don't like my birthday, so don't make a big deal about it.
8. I want to have a library in my house someday.
9. I have moments where I clean obsessively (i.e. scrub the floors). I just need time to figure stuff out.
10. Breakfast is an essential meal.
11. Post-It Notes left for me are perhaps the greatest thing.
12. Reading the Bible together is a good thing.
13. I like sports (college basketball, NFL) and like to watch them.
14. The crunching of food (i.e. celery and chips) drives me mad.
15. Excessively loud noises are tremendously bothersome.
16. Good (civil) debate is a good thing.
17. I like board games, and I think family game night is important.
18. I do research and get caught up in that at times.
19. Time with friends is important.
20. I like to be my own interior decorator.
21. Working with tools and building things is something that I can kind of do and I want to help with the household projects....not just be the silly wife who runs to the hardware store.
22. The peanut butter goes in the fridge.
23. I don't eat anything after the expiration date, not even a day.
24. Our (hypothetical) kids will go to summer camp because I value the experiences that happen there.
25. I really like to mow grass, so if you don't, that's fine (you can fold the laundry).
26. I dream of having a backyard garden with a hammock.

The list will be added to.

yac.

Love This Kid.

Briley @ 9 1/2 Months. What a great kid. I love him to pieces.

L.I.F.E.

You know, this week was pretty darn interesting. I had an interview with ISU on Monday...It went well. I had to describe the three original research projects I've done at the Undergraduate level, the grant I wrote, and how I've implemented technology in my research. I walked away thinking that it'd be a couple of days.

The very next morning I received an e-mail indicating that I was accepted and would receive a full tuition scholarship and graduate assistantship. That was pretty exciting.

I told my profs... You know, I can't say enough about AU and how it has helped become who I am as an scholar. I am grateful for the support of the Psychology faculty and faculty across the university that has helped me learn and achieve new heights. I don't think I can speak enough to the role that the PSYC faculty has played though.

As much as I was dreading this awesome 5th year senior thing, it's been fantabulous. I feel passionate about where I am going. I have met some really AWESOME people that I hope become lifelong friends. They each bring joy to my life in different ways.

yac.

currently unmotivated...

Eh, yeah, I should probably be doing HW right now...

Name: Jess Berryhill
Single or Taken: Definitely Single.
Gender: Female
Birthday: February 4th, 1986
Siblings: 1 brother - Bill - 21 years old
Hair color: Brown
Eye color: Blue
Shoe size: 16 in Women's/14 in Men's
Height: 6'0"

What are you wearing right now: Dress pants and a blue button down shirt
Where do you live: Anderson, IN/Greenfield, IN
Right or left-handed: Right-handed
Who are your closest friends?: There are a number of them, all unique in different ways.
Where is your fav place to shop: Old Navy/Gap, I guess?
Do you have any tattoos or piercings?: No

Faves
------------------------------------------
Color: I prefer black, orange, red, blue, and grey.
Number(s): 13/40
Food: I'd take a turkey sandwich any day.
Boy's name: Luke
Girl's Name: I don't really like girl's names
Subject in school: English and Psychology
Animal: Dogs and Squirrels
Drink: Dr. Pepper = My weakness.
Celebrity: Patrick Dempsey...fracking hot.
Sport: Basketball
Veggie: Corn
Fruit: Pineapple
Fast food place: Panera
Place to visit: Maine, Utah, Boston
Month: October
Juice: Orange Juice is definitely one of my favorite beverages.
Breakfast: Favorite meal of the day for sure. Scrambled Eggs, Toast...
Favorite cartoon character: Doug, hands down.

Have You Ever
------------------------------------------
Given anyone a bath: My little nephew.
Smoked: No, definitely not.
Bungee jumped: No, again definitely not ever.
Broken the law: Speed limits...
Eaten a dog biscuit: Ew. Who would do that?
Put your tongue on a frozen pole: Pretended to during the "Blizzard" of '07.
Loved someone that made you cry?: Yeah.
Been in a physical fight: Only with my brother as kids.
Been on a plane: Yes, many times.
Been in a sauna: Ew, I don't like to be hot.
Been in a hot tub: Yes, but I am not a fan. Too hot.
Swam in the ocean: Yeah, it's alright...
Fallen asleep in school: Yes.
Laughed so hard you fell off your chair: Maybe not fallen off the chair but definitely laughing uncontrollably.
Saved e-mails: Yeah, the important ones.
Wished you were someone else: Probably not.
Wished you were a member of the opposite sex: No
Done something you regret?: Yeah, there are a few things.

First Thing That Comes to Mind
------------------------------------------
Red: Red Sweater. Ha...
Blue: Sky
Happy: Being in good company.
Autumn: Leaves
Cow: Cow tipping.
Greenland: Not so green.

Your good luck charm: None really.
Stupidest thing you have ever done: I can think of a few things....
Your most prized possession: Friends
Last thing you ate: Linguini
Song: You're Everything - DC*B.
Thing that has happened to you this year: Got to know my little nephew.
Chicken pox: Yep, kindergarten...
Stitches: Nope. Thank goodness, I'd probably cry.
Bloody nose: A few when I was younger. Randomly every once in awhile as an adult.

Do you...

Believe in love at first sight: No.
Enjoy parks: Yes.
Like picnics: Yep.
Like school: Love it!
What schools have you gone to:
~Oaklandon Elementary (1st-5th)
~Fall Creek Valley Middle School (6th-8th)
~Lawrence North High School (Kindergarten & 9th)
~Greenfield-Central High School (10th-12th)
~Anderson University (2004-2009, I am about to graduate

Who is the last person that called you: Kelley
Makes you laugh the most: Currently, Amber & T
Makes you smile: Many people.
Can make you feel better no matter what: A few of my professors.
You talked to last: The rents.

Do You/Are You...

Do you like yourself: Sometimes.
Do you get along with your family: Eh...
Color your hair?: Nope, never have.
Obsessive: Um, with some things...
Compulsive: Not so much.

yac.

C.S. Lewis, William James, and a prayer

I found these passages interesting. From C.S. Lewis's The Problem of Pain:

"But if suffering is good, ought it not to be pursued rather than avoided? I answer that suffering is not good in itself. What is good in any painful experience is, for the sufferer, his submission to the will of God, and, for the spectators, the compassion aroused and the acts of mercy to which it leads."

"Our Father refreshes us on the journey with some pleasant inns, but will not encourage us to mistake them for home."

__________________

From William James's The Varieties of Religious Experience:

"Peace cannot be reached by the simple addition of pluses and elimination of minuses from life."

__________________

God,

Fill in the cracks of my brokenness. Open my eyes to see your presence evident in my life.

Amen.

__________________

yac.

brokenness.

Some days this is apparent more than others. This has been an entire week like that. My inadequacies have been glaringly present. My shortcomings have been highlighted by myself and by others.

What now?

yac.

Here I Am

I am sitting in bed, typing this on my iPod. It's 1:32 a.m. I have decided that rejection is probably one of the hardest things for me to handle. I applied to three graduate programs and have been rejected by two out of three of them. It took such a leap of faith to finally decide to commit to Psychology fully and now I am starting to question my decision, even though I believe strongly that it was the right one.

I think God will open up opportunities for me. Let's hope at least. Now to try and sleep?

yac

And yet...

I should be doing homework...and yet, here I am blogging. It's been long and arduous three or four weeks. It's all been a blur really.

Honestly, I feel as if I am stuck between being lost and being found....having no clue who I am as person and yet feeling more direction than I have in a long time.... As if I am on the brink of disaster or something huge... The pendulum has yet to decide which way it will swing. It has me frazzled to be honest.

God has been working in many ways in my life, and for that, I am grateful.

My prayer this week:

God, help me be a reflection of your light. Help me continue to pursue You with a sense of desperation that leads to a humble reliance on You.

Amen.

yac.

Are We Human or Are We Dancer?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6r4KT8-VX0

Dare You to Move....

This has been on repeat on the IPod for about a month now. In fact, I have only been listening to three songs. This song speaks to me on so many different levels.

________________

Switchfoot
"Dare You to Move"

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?

Chorus:
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be

[Chorus]

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here

[Chorus]

Love it....

yac.

So yeah...

I've been pretty crap at keeping up with this beast these last few weeks.

Yesterday, I took a nap from 3:30-6:20 and went back to bed at 6:30 and slept until 9:30 this morning...That's something like 18 hours of sleep... crazy.... That is just an indicator of how crazy busy my week was!

yac.

Something I Am Working On...

Well, I should be working on homework, but instead, I decided to blog...because, I really haven't done enough of it.

I just started working at the Physical Plant (maintenance department) here at AU. I chose this particular job over others for a couple of different reasons. Clearly, I needed a job, but it is more than just that. I often find myself entrenched in academia and surrounded by those who are educated like me in many ways. Honestly (and bluntly), I don't want to be an educated jackass who is so involved in academics that I miss out on the gifts and talents that other people have to offer. Unfortunately, I can see myself becoming this way because I just love the realm of academia. I want to begin to understand people better and appreciate them for who they are. This job exposes me to people I may not meet normally in my day to day routine. It's great (meeting the people, the job - not so fun!)

yac

IM Soccer - The Gaithers Dominate...

Well, I am playing IM soccer and we are not very good...but that's ok. However, I did land this killer bruise when probably inadvertently stopping the ball with my calf. Please note the soccer ball lines near my knee... This was on Monday.

yac

I am thinking...

I am thinking that birthdays are overrated. Just so ya know... Tomorrow my day will consist of:

7-8:30 a.m. - Cleaning out the University vehicles.
9-9:50 a.m. - Statistics --- QUIZ
10-10:50 a.m. - Critical Analysis
12:30-1:15 p.m. - Lunch with a prof. to discuss research
2:00-2:50 p.m. - Cognitive Psych Test

Yep...that's it...crazy madness.

yac.

Inadequacies

As mentioned before, I have huge feet. I have always had huge feet. In fact, I was wearing a size 6 women's shoe in first grade. A size 9 in fourth grade, and from there my feet grew a size a year until I was probably 14 or 15. Well, can you imagine trying to squeeze my gianormous foot in 1st grade through the ankle hugger jeans that were so popular back in the day... Seriously, I would try and point it straight, and it would still get stuck, no matter what. I remember sitting in the hallway as a little first grader, trying to yank my jeans on and get them over my feet...

When I buy pants, my butt is certainly not my main concern. But rather, I stand and look in the mirror and think, "How do these make my feet look? Big?"

Or when I go bowling, and I have ask for Men's 14s...they never are the cool glow in the dark ones, but simply the boring, old red and white ones.

Tonight, I played IM soccer (our team is called the Gaithers), a game that I am not skilled in... My feet certainly get in the way, but I did score a goal.

By focusing on my perceived inadequacies, I take time and emotional energy from the things that I am good at... this goes far beyond the size of my feet...

yac.

Snow Days

Today was a snow day - AU cancelled classes... It was really pretty good overall. I did not really get much done overall, but that's ok.

yac

Twice in a row...

Just so the world knows - this is like - the 6th times in two days I've been on the blog, and I've now written on it twice in a row!! Yaconelli has no clue! I wonder how long it will take her to find out? Knowing my luck, she's probably signing in right now....

Perspective

The clarity of hindsight is often frustrating beyond belief. Once our mind's eye has a clear and precise view of what could have been instead of what was we drive ourselves crazy with the "whatifs" and the "couldashouldawouldas." I watched a movie this weekend that exemplified this scenario. The movie is narrated by a third party after-the-fact in a manner that shows us, the viewers, all the tiny nuances of the characters' daily lives and decisions that led to the climax of the film. We in the audience are left going, "No! That isn't what happened at all!! She isn't going ahead without you!! He got it wrong!!" and with every misinterpreted assumption the two heroines entrench themselves deeper in a Civil War only best friends can fight. In the end, when the last straw has finally broken the camel's back and they lunge at each other's throat in a final hail mary do they begin to see what we've been witness to the whole time. The clarity and rationalism that reclaims their emotions after that brief outburst is a healing salve on their friendship and only now "months" later can they pick-up where they left off, chuck this brief interlude of chaos up to the stress of the moment and move on. Alls well that ends well - at least where Hollywood is concerned.

Why is that kind of clarity, so hard to grasp in the moment? Why can I not have an epiphany at exactly the right time when I need it the most? I can think of several times in my life when I've been deep in the trench of my emotional instability, hiding under whatever facade I can find screaming out to the Heavens that I need a sign, a light, a bomb shelter - anything - to get me through this and when I don't get an insta-answer I curse God and his "he doesn't give you more than he can handle" and hunker down further, broken, lost, and alone. Then, slowly, the clouds begin to part and I take a chance, break for the other side, and make it stumbling and bumbling out of the canyon - that looking back was more like a shallow impression - patting myself on the back for surviving. Only in retrospect can I see the little places where God intervened. This brings me to my point - The most important part of prayer isn't the sharing part - yes, God wants to hear about your day (even if He already knows) - but the real, honest-to-goodness truth of it all is He really wants you to listen. We fill our days with one sided conversations with the Almighty and then get mad at HIM when He didn't warn us trouble was brewing ahead. Then this whole cycle begins again.

In the movie, if the girls had stopped and talked about what was going on as it was going on the fighting and all that ensued would never have happened. If we could learn to actively - instead of passively - confer with God, think of how much grief and strife we could save ourselves. Think of how much more meaningful and life changing our relationship with God the Father would be. I'm not saying it's easy, and I'm not saying I do this well, but I am saying that the more I think about, the more it resonates with me, and the better my perspective on life becomes. I feel like I am there now - on the brink of HUGE revelation in my life and all I need to do is listen to HIS thoughts and let him change my perspective.

We all know that we need a little change in perspective sometimes - it's the letting someone else behind the wheel that's hard ;)

Today...

Today, I was walking to class from the Psychology office here at AU and I met one of my professors at the corner. When greeting my professors, especially ones I have high regard for, I am not really sure why, but I just say their name.

So, upon passing this prof who said,"Hey Jess!" and so I replied, "Dr. Swindell." Then as I turn the corner, I hear her say, "Jess...". So, I turned around and go back a bit, and she says, "Jess, it will be really nice when you say Dr. Swindell that I can say in return, Dr. Berryhill."

There are some professors who just hold you to such high expectations and with that, they have this great underlying confidence in your abilities as a person and as a student. Dr. Swindell makes me want to be a better student and the mark she has left on my life is pretty tremendous. Her investment in who I am as a person has been incredible.

Also, today was the unveiling of the "I HEART WOODWORTH & SCHLOSBERG" shirt. It was a hit.

yac.

What You Might Not Know About Me...Part Deux...

(Continued from Previous Post)

14. I like office supplies a lot. No really, a lot. Back to School shopping simply for the office supplies involved is one of my favorite things. I think Kelley may vouch for this one... My favorite office supply item: PAPERCLIPS...

15. In high school (and still to this day), I made/make paperclip "art." In high school, it was more abstract. However, just recently, I definitely sent Kelley (the slacker author) a paper clip figurine with movable arms and legs, kind of like a bobblehead doll. It was sweet action.

16. I knit...no shame in that domestic game.

17. I am really sensitive to sounds and feelings of fabrics and a few other random things. I hate the sound of a teacher rubbing their hand up against an overhead projector screen or the sound of crunching food (like celery). This may sound dumb, but the fabric that little kids' backpacks are made out of (seen below)...oh man gives me straight up shivers...Ribbons, like one would win at track meet, equally bad. Most vacuumn cleaner cords are probably the thing I hate the most. I am determined to find a vacuumn cleaner with a smooth rather than ribbed cord. I won't roll up the cord, and I will use the plug-in part to flick the cord off the holder if it is wrapped up. Pretty much anything that aligns or is as minute as the groves of my fingerprints will make me shiver....

18. I still hang my A papers on my fridge.

More tomorrow...

yac.

My Nephew and I

He's such a great kid. He's crawling now! He loves to play with zippers on my jackets.

yac

What You Might Not Know About Me...

1. I have a lexicon that is uniquely my own... I use words in everyday speech like lamesauce, lame-o, homeslice, fantabulous, etc. I also use the word swell a lot (in fact, I am pretty sure sometime soon, the 1950s are going to call and ask for that word back).

2. Sometimes, I think I might want to write a book...not a serious book of course. A coffee table book of bad Christmas light displays or mullets (both of which are plentiful in Indiana).

3. I have a propensity for acquiring nicknames that have nothing to do with my real name... My nickname in high school: Wanda (no joke). My nickname in college: Yac or Yaconelli.

4. Sometimes, when I am in my house/dorm alone, I pretend to walk like the models on America's Next Top Model (which I clearly watch too much of). I am always like, "Dude, I could so nail that walk."

5. I learned to sort of dance off of YouTube. I learned the Soulja Boy dance and the modified version of Cotton Eyed Joe.

6. I once set up an obstacle course for my friends through our dormitory using the institutional furniture... It was great...

7. I love Dance Dance Revolution, but my feet are too big to fit in the middle without bumping the up or down arrow.

8. Apparently (so I have been told), my facial expressions are clear indicators to what I am feeling. For example, if I am in class and the prof says something dumb, my classmates have told me that they just love to watch my expressions.

9. I wear a size 14 in Men's shoes which translates to about a 16 in Women's. The only dress shoes that I could find a few years ago were shoes for drag queens...and clearly, something about a 9" stiletto is not going to be working out for me.

10. While on the phone for the first time with my first college roommate, she asked what kind of clothes I wore. And, I responded, "I make my own," which at the time, I did make my own shirts. I had a couple of different lines... Political Commentary Line (Save the Puffins, Are You French Canadian?), Wandacrombie, and Wandacrombie Baby (no joke, I made one for my teacher's kid). I don't think she was impressed...

11. I watched my brother cut off his hair in the front (he had a bowl cut) almost down to the scalp and I was the one who got in trouble. Makes no sense, huh? Apparently, the older one should tell the younger one not to do those sorts of things.

12. Some women buy purses, others buy shoes (which clearly isn't really an option for me)... I buy...messenger bags and backpacks...gosh, I am such a geek.

13. I say, "O.M.Gosh and W.T.Flip." Makes me laugh at myself.

yac